As parents, one of our most important jobs is to work ourselves out of a job. And a big part of that often involves encouraging our children to move gradually towards more independence in solving their own problems.
Problem-solving is often not always easy. Impulsivity, a strong tendency to rush through things, an overdependence on parents, and poor self-confidence can interfere with self-reliance and good problem-solving. This makes overcoming new challenges daunting. Often, children can react impulsively to challenges without thinking through choices or even being aware that there are choices.
Effective problem-solving skills allow us to recognize that we have choices in dealing with problems. Independent problem-solving skills help us to gain independence and confidence allowing us to know that we are capable of making good decisions for ourselves. Learning to tie shoes, ride a bike, read a book alone, cook a meal, or drive a car are all great experiences that can build confidence and self-esteem. Knowing that we can face challenging situations, readily solve our problems, and take care of ourselves makes our life experiences less threatening and thus reduces anxiety.
Effective problem-solving requires creative and critical thinking skills. Solutions come from ideas. To generate these ideas, children need to learn to think creatively and critically. We parents can help our children’s emerging creativity and critical thinking skills by:
Encouraging free-play situations. Exploring and experimenting in an unstructured environment gives children the opportunity to follow their curiosity and play with cause and effect on their own terms. Free play creates endless opportunities for children to identify and solve problems and plenty of time to test out possible ideas and solutions.
Encouraging persistence by reinforcing and rewarding effort—not so much performance. Trying, not giving up, and continuing to try are important skills in figuring things out.
Asking thoughtful questions—and lots of them. Helping children problem-solve involves encouraging them to think for themselves and we do this by asking lots of questions. For example, instead of reminding them that they need to brush their teeth before they go to school, consider asking “What else do you need to do to take care of yourself this morning?”
Avoid rushing in to solve children’s daily problems; allow them to make mistakes and learn from them. It is easy for an adult to see whether a child’s block structure is going to be stable enough to stand on its own before it’s built. But if we rush to correct immediately, the child may not learn what’s wrong. If the child, though, builds the structure and then it falls over, they have an opportunity to use reasoning and logic skills to make it stable as well as to develop confidence in his or her own problem-solving abilities.
Be alert when children have tried to solve a problem repeatedly or have run into roadblocks that they cannot get past on their own. Sometimes children do need adults to intervene to show that even when problems are very frustrating, they are indeed solvable.
Being willing to make mistakes and openly welcome the mistakes our child makes as learning opportunities. It is reassuring for children to discover that adults make mistakes too. So let children see some of your mistakes and ask them to help you solve the resulting problems. They feel important and, at the same time, learn that making mistakes isn’t really such a bad thing after all.
Encouraging children to verbally describe the problems they encounter. This not only allows them to begin to trust their skills as observers and analyzers but sometimes, just being able to say the problem out loud encourages solutions. Sometimes just expressing the problem can bring relief. For example, a child who can say to his mother, “Kids are picking on me at recess,” may begin to feel better just by saying it.
Guiding them to break the problem into chunks. A little like teaching them to read a new, difficult word, by breaking it down into smaller parts, it can make the problem not seem so overwhelming.
Once kids identify the problem, teach them to develop several possible solutions before springing into action. Try to brainstorm at least four possible ways to solve the problem and then discuss the pros and cons of each choice. Once a child recognizes several options and the possible consequences of each, without giving them the answer, encourage them to decide which is best.
Reinforcing children’s solutions; let them know that their ideas and efforts are valued.
Teaching kids that if they choose a course of action and it doesn’t resolve the problem, they can always try something else.
To thrive in life, we have struggles to make us stronger and teach us valuable lessons. Teaching children to solve their own problems allows them to learn, think, feel confident, and be competent at understanding their world. What could be more important?
